1000+ Best Dad Jokes: A Collection of Hilarious and Clever Puns

Are you looking for a good laugh or a clever pun to share with your dad? Look no further than this collection of the best dad jokes! From silly one-liners to witty wordplay, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face and a groan to your dad's.Dad jokes have become a cultural phenomenon in recent years, with social media platforms like TikTok and Twitter making them more popular than ever. But what exactly is a dad joke? Typically, it's a pun or a play on words that is silly, harmless, and designed to elicit a groan or an eye-roll from the listener. Dad jokes are often corny, but that's part of their charm.

Why Are Dad Jokes So Popular?

Dad jokes have become a staple of pop culture in recent years, with people sharing them on social media and incorporating them into their everyday conversations. But why are they so popular? One reason is that they are harmless and family-friendly. Unlike other forms of humor that can be crude or offensive, dad jokes are generally appropriate for all ages. Additionally, they are often so corny that they become endearing, making them the perfect icebreaker or conversation starter.

How to Tell a Dad Joke

If you want to tell a great dad joke, there are a few key things to keep in mind. First, choose a pun or play on words that are clever but not too complex. The best dad jokes are often simple and straightforward. Second, be confident in your delivery. Dad jokes work best when they are told with a straight face and a deadpan delivery. And finally, don't be afraid to embrace the corniness. The more ridiculous the joke, the better!

Examples of the Best Dad Jokes

Now that we've covered the basics of dad joke telling, it's time to dive into some examples. Here are some of the best dad jokes we could find:

Best Jokes

5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.
A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, How long have you suffered from that condition? The guy tells him, Since next Monday.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, Is the bar tender here?
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, I don't know. It all happened so fast.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, First offender? She says, No, first a Gibson Then a Fender
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $1.50. You know why?
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course Buildings can't jump.
CASHIER: Would you like the milk in a bag, sir? DAD: No, just leave it in the carton'
Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint
Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has great food but no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the surgeon who enjoyed performing quick surgeries on insects? He did one on the fly.
Did you hear that I'm reading a book about anti-gravity? It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They're going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It's because the cows weren't getting a square meal.
Do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them.
Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data... Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years now.
FAST FOOD WORKER: Any condiments? DAD: Compliments? You look very nice today
For those of you that play Wordle, today's solution was not easy. Easy is not a five-letter word
Good thymes.
Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
GROCERY STORE CHECKER: Paper or plastic? DAD: Either, I'm bisacktual.
How can you tell a Dogwood tree apart from other trees? By its bark.
How can you tell when a vampire is sick? He's coffin a lot.
How come no one trusts atoms? Because they make up everything.
How did one wave greet the other wave? She waved.
How did the cell phone ask his girlfriend to marry him? He gave her a ring.
How did the man like to watch fishing tournaments? Live stream.
How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.
How did the puppies get across the lake? Doggie paddle.
How do billboards talk to each other? Sign language.
How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.
How do you get a squirrel to act like you? You act like a nut
How do you keep a bagel from running away? Put lox on it.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
How do you organize a party on Mars? You planet.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, Ribbit, ribbit and a horny toad says, Rub it, rub it.
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you will see later, the other after while.
How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
How many apples grow on trees? All of them.
How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to take steps to avoid them.
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, You.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known — there were red flags everywhere.
I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked, Is it to scale? I replied, No…it's to look at.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.
I decided to link all my wristwatches together and make a belt. It was a real waist of time.
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I don't trust stairs. They are always up to something.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw
I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads.
I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?
I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.
I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. She said, What's that got to do with anything? I said, That means it's pasture bedtime.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
I wanted to be a doctor, I just didn't have the patients.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words
I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising?
Kid: Dad I'm hungry Dad: Well, Hi hungry, I'm dad
KID: Dad, make me a sandwich DAD: Poof, you're a sandwich
KID: Hey, I was thinking… DAD: I thought I smelled something burning.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
Me: Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field. Son: So what? Me: It's pasture bedtime.
MOM: How do I look? DAD: With your eyes.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept
My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...she got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.
My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
Spring is here I got so excited I wet my plants
The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments. They say I have an outstanding balance.
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, Happy..., and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, ...40-second birthday. I was so proud.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
There's only one thing I can't deal with, and that's a deck of cards glued together.
Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark'? I burst into tears — he's 12 years old and still doesn't know my name
Today, my son asked, Can I have a bookmark? I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Two slices of bread got married. The wedding was amazing until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
WAITRESS: Soup or salad? DAD: I don't want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it
We all know about Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.
What animal is always at a baseball game? A bat.
What animal should you never trust to tell the truth? A lion.
What awards do dentists receive? Plaques.
What beans can you plant but never grow? Jelly beans.
What body of water is the most detail oriented? The Pacific.
What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.
What did one candy bar say to the other candy bar? I've got some Twix up my sleeve.
What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved.
What did the apple say to the kangaroo? Nothing. Apples can't talk.
What did the baby computer call his father? Data.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.
What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for camp? Bison.
What did the duck say after he finished dinner? Put it on my bill.
What did the horse say after it tripped? Help I've fallen and I can't giddyup
What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? Supplies
What did the lightbulb say to his girlfriend? I love you a watt.
What did the llama say to his date? Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast
What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milkshake
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.
What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato.
What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.
What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.
What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor.
What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know they're a werewolf? An unawarewolf
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaad mooood.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
What does a cow read every day? The moos-paper.
What does a janitor yell when he comes out of the closet? SUPPLIES
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS
What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño face.
What falls in winter but never gets hurt? Snow.
What fish has the most fans? Starfish.
What game do tornadoes play at parties? Twister.
What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.
What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.
What has hands but can't clap? A clock.
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin
What instrument can you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
What is a lazy person's favorite shoes to wear? Loafers.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.
What is it called when a prisoner takes their own picture? A cell-fie.
What is the easiest way to get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A starfish.
What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswaggons.
What kind of dogs do magicians like? Labracadabradors
What kind of lion doesn't roar? A dandelion.
What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What music do chiropractors listen to? Hip-pop.
What shoes do bananas like to wear? Slippers.
What type of tree can fit in your hand? Palm tree.
What writing utensil does a boar use in class? A pig pen.
What'd the wall say to the other wall? Meet you at the corner.
What's a knight's favorite dish? Swordfish
What's a moth's favorite stroke? The butterfly.
What's a vampire's favorite ship? A blood vessel.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What's the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane.
What's the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there
When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast.
When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.
When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
When is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-irty.
When you ask a dad if he's alright: No, I'm half left.
When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: No, I got them all cut
Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.
Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.
Where do math teachers love to take vacations? Times Square.
Where do pencils come from? Pennsylvania.
Where do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Where do walls meet after work? The corner.
Where is a fruit's favorite place to go on vacation? Pear-is
Where's the best place to learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.
Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.
Which food tells the cheesiest jokes? Pizza.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Which part of the body can you always count on? Your fingers.
Which season do people get injured the most? The fall.
Which vegetable does a pirate never eat? Leeks.
Who keeps the ocean floor clean? Mer-maids.
Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference.
Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you're happy now.
Why are circles bad at telling stories? Because they are pointless.
Why are ghosts bad liars? You can see right through them.
Why are oranges so slow? They always run out of juice.
Why are pirates bad at singing the alphabet song? They get stuck at C.
Why are shrimp bad at sharing? They are shellfish.
Why are volcanoes so popular? They are lava-able.
Why can't Monday lift Saturday? It is a weak day.
Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.
Why couldn't the hamburger go into the bar? It didn't serve food.
Why couldn't the pony sing at the talent show? She was a little horse.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse
Why did the coach run to the bank in such a hurry? To get his quarterback.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crumby.
Why did the crab never share? Because he's shellfish.
Why did the family sell their vacuum cleaner? It was collecting dust.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Why did the kids cross the playground? To get to the other slides.
Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.
Why did the man run around the bed? He was trying to catch up on his sleep.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well
Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.
Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw salad dressing.
Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
Why didn't the bicycle stand up? It was two tired.
Why didn't the lady trust the stairs? She thought they were up to something.
Why didn't the man iron his four-leaf clover? He didn't want to press his luck.
Why didn't the teddy bear come down for dinner? He was already stuffed.
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans
Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.
Why do dads tell such corny jokes? They want you to groan up.
Why do frogs never park illegally? They are afraid of getting toad.
Why do golfers always pack an extra pair of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
Why do spiders know everything? They get their information from the Web.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
Why don't dogs like walking in the rain? They are afraid of Poodles.
Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
Why don't pirates take a bath? They prefer to wash up on shore.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels (bay gulls).
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldn't press your luck.
Why is Yoda such a good gardener? He has green thumbs.
Why should you never play hide and seek with a leopard? They are always spotted.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.
Why was the broom late for school? It over-swept.
Why was the man afraid of the calendar? Its days were numbered.
Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.
You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What do you want? The man says, Oh, just some fruit punch. The bartender sighs and shakes his head, If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line. The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. You can't cut me down, the tree complains. I'm a talking tree The man responds, You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.
I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It's called the Plaguestation 5.
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.
In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
What do you call bears with no ears? B.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you can even see it.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.

Classic Jokes

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person
I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken
I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.
I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?
If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears
What did the ocean say to the beach?' Nothing, it just waved.
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest
What did the ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? Close the door, I'm dressing
What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.
What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant.
What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? Oh my toe sis
Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady

Adult Dad Jokes

Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines — but cats-can.
Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.
How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a grape.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
I haven't talked to my wife in a week — I didn't want to interrupt her.
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed
It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.
What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.
What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
What do you call someone who can't stick to a diet? A desserter.
Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.
Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean's bottom.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
Why do birds fly south? Because it's too far to talk.
Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don't freeze their buns.
Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.

Bad Jokes

A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off.
A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean seApparently the suvivors are marooned.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'
A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.
Armed robbers—some say they're a drain on society, but you've got to give it to them.
Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on.
Cooking out this weekend? Don't forget the pickle. It's kind of a big dill.
Did you get your haircut? No, I got them all cut
Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.
Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.
Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now
Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.
Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits
Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.
Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.
England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
How does a hurricane see? With one eye.
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw it in most of the way and another to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I began to read a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen—I can feel it.
I can guess what people do for a living just by looking at their hands. I mean, I'm usually wrong, but I can guess.
I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.
I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.
I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.
I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge
I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll try a grape.
I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
I hate Velcro. It's a rip off.
I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.
I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down. I told him that's not funny, but he said it was an inside joke.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.
I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.
I went to a seafood disco last week Pulled a mussel
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction.
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
I've been breeding racing deer. Just trying to make a quick buck.
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.
If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
Inflation is really getting out of hand, but that's just my five cents.
It hurts me to say this, but I have a sore throat.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home
My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well.
My dentist offered me dentures for only a dollar. It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth.
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I think this could spell disaster.
My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful
My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.
My girlfriend says it's either her or my career as a news reporter. I have some breaking news for her.
My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That's just how eye roll.
People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow
Spring is here I got so excited that I wet my plants.
Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt
What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn
What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel
What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.
What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo
What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell check.
What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs
What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies
Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.
Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.
Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts
Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah
Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
Without geometry life is pointless.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.

Corny Jokes

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, First offender? She says, No, first a Gibson Then a Fender
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way
Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it
Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions
Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK Rowling.
How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
How do you make 7 even? Take away the s.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.
I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.
I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.
I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.
I hit in the head with a soda can. Thankfully it was a soft drink.
I invented a new word today: plagiarism
I just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend. It maybe wasn't the best idea, because it meant I couldn't see the TV.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work
I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace
I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised
I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.
I wish COVID-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy
I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy
I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down
I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.
I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor.
It really takes guts to be an organ donor.
Knock, knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Hey, you can yodel
Knock, knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go moo
My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.
My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.
My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't
My hotel tried to charge me $10 extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down
Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, Aye E I owe you
Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words.
St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, Do you know how to drive this thing?
What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?
What did one hat say to the other? Stay here I'm going on ahead.
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies
What did the left eye say to the right? Something smells between us.
What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.
What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
What do houses wear? An address.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.
What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
What do you call a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear.
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.
What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb
What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow
What does a pampered cow give? Spoiled milk.
What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they fast
What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.
What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office
What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
What rhymes with boo and stinks? You
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.
What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
What's the loudest pet you can own? A trumpet.
What's the name of my cheese? Nacho cheese.
When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.
Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is
Why are fish so smart? They live in schools
Why are pigs so bad at sports? Because they always hog the ball.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero.
Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.
Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well
Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.
Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
Why did the teddy bear skip dessert? She was stuffed.
Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one
Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
You can't spell par entry without try.

Funny Jokes

Air used to be free at the gas station. Now it's $1.50. You know why? Inflation.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.
How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
How do trees get online? They just log on.
I'm afraid of the calendar. Its days are numbered.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why did the nurse need a red pen? In case she needed to draw blood.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. I'd like some wings and a pint of beer, please, it says. Sorry, but I can't serve you, the bartender replies. You're out of your head.
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. We don't serve your kind here, the bartender says. Why not? one yogurt asks. We're cultured.
A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before? The guy says, It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, What's with the paper towel? The pirate says, Arrr I've got a Bounty on me head
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escaped from the zoo? It was otter chaos.
Did you hear about the guy who stole 50 cartons of hand sanitizer? They couldn't prosecute—his hands were clean.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it
How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose
How do you protect a bagel? Lox it up
How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
How much do I love crunchy tacos? From my head tomatoes.
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but the kids still get in.
It's a shame that the Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green. That would've been sublime.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Tank. Tank who? You're welcome.
My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point.
My son has his BA and his MA, but his PA still supports him.
Teacher: There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. Johnny: So, what are the words?
What did one DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
What did the skeleton order with its beer? A mop.
What do Bostonians call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do you call a snitching scientist? A lab rat.
What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.
What does idk stand for? Everyone I ask says, I don't know.
What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.
What kind of coffee does a vampire drink? De-coffin-ated.
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use? Lucky Charms.
What's the difference between a man wearing pajamas on a bicycle and a guy wearing a tuxedo on a unicycle? Attire.
Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is.
Why can't you tell a taco a secret? They tend to spill the beans
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach…
Why did the picture get arrested? It got framed.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All of the fans left.
Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they golfing? In case they get a hole in one
Why do M&Ms go to school? Because they want to be a Smartie.
Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross.
Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.
Why was the pig covered in ink? Because it lived in a pen.
Why was the rookie police officer assigned to hunt the cannibal? The more seasoned officers had already been eaten.

Groaner Jokes

How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.
How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows.
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
My wife left me because of my obsession with pastI'm feeling cannelloni right now.
Someone complimented my parking today They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine.
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.
What's an astronaut's favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.

I Have A Joke

I have a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.
I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time.
I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it's pointless.
I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.
I have a joke about banking, but I lost interest.
I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.
I have a joke about being an electrician, but it's too shocking.
I have a joke about butter, but I'm not going to spread it.
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it'll get a reaction.
I have a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.
I have a joke about cows, but I don't want to milk it.
I have a joke about drilling, but it's boring.
I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it.
I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.
I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it's not very good.
I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.
I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable.
I have a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.
I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.
I have a joke about statistics, but it's not significant.
I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don't get it.
I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't get it.
I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.

Jokes for Kids

Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.
Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He's all right now.
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? From the bark.
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese.
How do you get an astronaut's baby to stop crying? You rocket.
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.
How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.
How do you talk to a giant? You use big words
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.
What did one leaf say to the other? I'm falling for you.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.
What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me
What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.
What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.
What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.
What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.
What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.
What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers
What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries
What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.
What's more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
What's the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
Where do armies belong? In your sleeves.
Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.
Where do books hide when they're afraid? Under their covers.
Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.
Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
Where's the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.
Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.
Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.
Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.
Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.
Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.
Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn't a good fit.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot.
Why is it bad to iron your four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck.
Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.
Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up.
Why shouldn't you trust trees? They seem shady.
Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.

My Wife Jokes

After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife's bickering between songs.
I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing.
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, I love you. Is that you or the beer talking? she asked. I answered, It's me… talking to my beer.
Just look at that couple down the road, a wife told her husband. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can't you do that? Are you insane? he responded. I barely know the woman
Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, I'm getting a divorce, she was the first one to like it.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste.
My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don't fit in my pants from March.
My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, This isn't working. I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine
My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, That makes two of us.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.
My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I'm eager to please.
One friend complained to another, All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds. If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him? asked the second friend. I'd like to lose another fifteen pounds first.
Siri, I asked my phone, why am I so bad with women? She responded, I'm Bixby, you moron.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.
Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth.

One-Liners

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.
A pony with a cough is just a little horse.
A witch's vehicle goes brrroom brrroom
A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom
All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.
At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn't any good, but now I stand corrected.
Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.
Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.
Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan.
Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.
Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.
Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.
I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust
I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn't differentiate between them.
I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.
I had a dream about being a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.
I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn't fit — what a huge waist
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs
I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.
I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.
I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange sodIt was more of a fanta sea.
I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.
I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around.
I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.
I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.
I used to be able to play the piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.
I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.
I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
I'm afraid of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it.
I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed
I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.
I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
If the early bird catches the worm, I'll sleep in until there are pancakes.
If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
Keep the dream alive, and hit the snooze button.
Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they're out of pasta, and we're penneless.
Most people can't tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can't find the words for how much this bugs me.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My dog is a genius. I asked him, What's two minus two? He said nothing.
My dream job is to clean mirrors, because I can really see myself doing that.
My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can't say I'm surprised.
My toddler is refusing to nap. He's guilty of resisting a rest.
RIP boiling water, you will be mist.
RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.
Shouldn't the roof of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.
Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it's the whole sentence.
Talk is cheap until you talk to a lawyer.
That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.
The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback.
The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet.
The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.
They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.
Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.
We're renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.
What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What's the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.
You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

Parenting Jokes

A father tells his son that he was adopted. I want to meet my biological parents, the son demands. We are your biological parents, the father responds. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, That's arson.A son tells his father, I have an imaginary girlfriend. The father sighs and says, You know, you could do better. Thanks Dad, the son says. That means a lot. The father shakes his head and goes, I was talking to your girlfriend.Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace. Oh yeah? the son retorts. Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is? No sunI have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids.I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either.I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we be positive, but it's just so hard without him.My daughter just shrieked at me, Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to a word I've said, have you? What an odd way to begin a conversation.My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.What's your name, son? The principal asked his student. The kid replied, D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir. Do you have a stutter? the principal asked. The student answered, No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, Dad, can't you just use a sponge?

Puns

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking. Now settle down, the doctor calmly told him. You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.
Can February March? No, but April May
Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends.
Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.
Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.
Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Did you know that the first french fries weren't cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Don't trust atoms. They make up everything
How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.
How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.
How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.
How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.
How do you make 7 even? You take away the s.
How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles
How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.
How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya
How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's basically one big Banner.
I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It's soda pressing.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The news came out of the purple
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I'll kill him with my bear hands.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They'd be called cellfies.
If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness.
In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.
In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.
Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. That's my stepladder, he said. I never knew my real ladder.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
Spring is here I got so excited I wet my plants.
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there
This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it
What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something.
What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let's stick together.
What did the blanket say to the bed? I've got you covered.
What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison
What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.
What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It's pasture bed time.
What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one's on the house.
What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food
What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A slipper
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.
What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
What is a calendar's favorite food? Dates.
What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library—it's got the most stories.
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock.
What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste
What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.
What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips.
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.
What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.
Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.
Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.
Why can't you trust a balloon? It's full of hot air
Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.
Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.
Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.
Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.
Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it's pointless.
Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.
Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.
Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut
You can't trust atoms. They make up everything

To The Person Jokes

To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word
To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.
To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I hope you can't sleep at night.
To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.
To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.
To the person who stole my dictionary: I have no words.
To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.
To the person who stole my limbo stick: That was a new low.
To the person who stole my place in line: I'm after you now.
To the person who stole my power steering: I just can't handle it.

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